Tuesday, January 04, 2005

So, You Wanna to Be Highland’s CEO

The new smash hit reality TV series brought to you by the same fun loving politicos who brought you the Raiders and the Alameda county football tax.

It’s sort of a cross between ER and In Living Color. The medical center has had over 10 CEO’s in the last 12 years and while most have done little or nothing to improve or maintain healthcare services in Alameda County this crew of villains, rogues, ne’er do wells and actually a few good people are an untapped geyser of entertainment value.

So the search is on, all applicants for the newly posted position of CEO of the medical center position will be asked to participate. Ken Cohen the best CEO the medical center has had will host the show (the county supervisors got rid of Ken because of his excess of competence and real aptitude for the job.)

All contestants will begin their journey to greatness on BART or AC transit, while you can get to a football game in reasonable time using public transit from most places in Oakland, it can take hours to get to the county hospital. Contestants are advised to start early and get a transfer.

Once at Highland, contestants (dressed in clothes donated by patients) will approach the ER triage desk with complaints of nausea, pain, long-term substance abuse, and paranoid ideation. Successful candidates will be admitted to the hospital and bonus points will be given to any candidates who get transferred to the locked psychiatric facility at John George.

Once admitted to the hospital all contestants will be required to eat only the diet prescribed by their doctor and provided by nutritional services. After completing the mandatory two-day stay at Hotel Highland, successful applicants will receive coaching and legal advice from previous CEO’s.

Mike Wall will be the show’s official golf coach. Ophelia Long will speak on the Grand Jury and how an indictment does not have to end your career in Alameda County. Mike Smart will speak on the art and science of mumbling and on the importance of a close friendship with Dave Kears. Dave Kears will discuss how to write legislation to specifically exclude oneself from conflict of interest accountability. Ken Cohen, Paul Hayes, and Dr. Mittelberger, the medical center’s most competent past leaders will discuss current problems, past failures, political pitfalls and bear traps. Efton Hall will give a very short speech on how to outsource your own job. Mike Burroughs and Susan Crutchfield will discuss the joys of consulting, traveling first class and how to choose a Hilton.

Survivors will come to the Highland Auditorium for a Jeopardy style QA (on issues of medical management and local politics) Ken Cohen will host.
Sample Questions
1. The neck bone is connected to the?
2. OK, here’s a tough one, which county supervisor owned blighted property within blocks of Highland Hospital?
3. What was the name of the county supervisor who would snore audibly or read the newspaper, while matters concerning the medical center were discussed?

The winner will be selected based on his overall score, the swimsuit and talent competition and audience applause.

All proceeds from, “So, you wanna be Highland’s CEO” will be donated to the Highland Foundation earmarked for actual healthcare (durable equipment, caregiver salaries and medications); none of the proceeds will be re-invested in PR, BS or consultants.

Answers to sample question: 1. Head bone 2. Supervisor Gail Steele 3. Supervisor Mary King


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

1. Someone needs to INSIST that the hiring committee include a CEO from another California public hospital. A private hospital CEO is totally useless in that selection process. They know nothing about the complexities, particularly payer/billing/reimbursement of public hospitals in California.
2. Also once the new CEO is selected, he/she must hire his/her own executive team. Cambio staff could remain at the discretion of the CEO to complete targeted projects with specific outcomes and end dates.